Other stuff

Other stuff

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. But there were problems everywhere: Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy:

"Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Rancher:

"This dog don't talk!"

Cowboy:

"Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog:

"Doin alright"

Rancher:

(Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy:

"Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"

Dog:

"Yep."

Cowboy:

"How's he treat you?"

Dog:

"Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Rancher:

(Look of disbelief)

Cowboy:

"Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Rancher:

"Horses don't talk!"

Cowboy:

"Hey horse, how's it goin?"

Horse:

"Cool."

Rancher:

(an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy:

"Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)

Horse:

"Yep."

Cowboy:

"How's he treat you?"

Horse:

"Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes medown often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Rancher:

(total look of amazement)

Cowboy:

"Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"

Rancher:

(stuttering, and hardly able to talk)
"Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their new habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

One day a blonde was sitting out in a rowboat in the middle of a cornfield. Another blonde drove by and stopped. She hollered out to the blonde in the rowboat :"You're the reason we blondes have a bad name. If I knew how to swim I'd go out there and hit you"

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